I have not been able to motivate myself to do much of anything lately. I am thankful school is over for this year because I just don’t have the energy to do it. I feel like I am in a washing machine, or the middle of a hurricane where everything is upside down and topsy turvy.
Last month, my extremely athletic and fit husband was sent home from work (at the fire station) to the hospital with chest pain. He was there for two days, going through numerous tests. At first I told myself it must just be stress. The last few years have been tough, and we are always under financial strain. Everything will be fine…I said in my head. Well, he came home, but continued to have pain, and one of the tests at the hospital revealed something troubling. It suggested he might have something called “pulmonary hypertension”.
What is that? I asked myself the same thing, and naturally I looked it up online. I shouldn’t have done that. Each thing I read about this illness got progressively worse. There is no cure for pulmonary hypertension….there are few treatments, and not all of them work for everyone. Average life expectancy is 5-7 years….wow…7 years? Our kids are only 15 and 12…we’re young…we’re supposed to have the rest of our lives together…to watch our kids graduate and get married…and have kids…and live life together, just the two of us.
How can this happen? With everything we have already been through…isn’t that enough?? I am not prepared for this…my brain cannot comprehend it. I just can’t accept that this may actually be happening right now.
So, other stuff (homeschool, blog, house etc.) has gotten put on the backburner while I (somewhat selfishly), mentally shut down. Because my brain just keeps spinning and spinning, and none of what I am thinking is good. I just want to shut it off. And I can’t…because life is still going on all around me. I have responsibilities to meet, and those don’t stop just because things aren’t going right in my life.
So now here I am…trying to be functional, and reminding myself just to breathe. He had a heart cath, and it still indicates high pulmonary pressure. We are seeking a second opinion to see if we can get more information. We are trying to figure out where this came from, as there is no history of heart problems in his family at all, and with work he gets a complete physical every year, and there has never been an indication of a problem before. I have racked my brain asking why and come to the conclusion that there really is no satisfactory answer. My normal has changed completely.
If you have read my blog before, you know how much I HATE uncertainty. I am a routine loving woman! I know there are no guarantees in life, and it hasn’t been an easy road for sure, but health was something we could always count on. And now here we are…and honestly, I have no idea what to do.