Treading Water

For a long time when my kids were little, Finding Nemo was their favorite movie. We watched it over and over and over again. Dory was always one of my favorite characters, but now, I have discovered I have a new affinity for her and her motto of “just keep swimming”.

It’s what I keep telling myself as we move forward from here. We have some stuff going on that I find a little scary, and some days it’s all I can do to just keep moving. That voice in my head keeps whispering these horrible “what-ifs” to me, that threaten to stop me in my tracks. Most days, I feel like I am treading water, just trying to keep myself from drowning in all my scary thoughts.

We have an appointment with a specialist coming up later this month. We are hoping they will be able to give us more info about my husband’s condition. He still struggles with chest pain and shortness of breath. We don’t really know why, because it shouldn’t be that way, and it’s really frustrating. Going to see the specialist is likely to cost us a LOT of money. There is no doctor in our area familiar with pulmonary hypertension, so we have to go out of our county for the appointment. We are trying to negotiate with our insurance company to get them to cover it anyway, but so far, no luck.

But what else can we do? I look at my husband and realize how hard it will be for him to continue on the way things are going. He can’t even run a few miles without getting winded, and he used to run nine miles at a time! What price would you pay to get an accurate diagnosis and maybe some treatment? What’s another bill at this point anyway? We just want some answers to our questions….well, kind of.

Part of me is afraid of hearing the answers. What if they aren’t good? What if the answer isn’t something I want to hear? Right now, I can tell myself that there may be a chance things are going to be okay, because we haven’t heard from the “experts” yet….but what will I do if they confirm what we have already been told?? I don’t know, and to be honest, I don’t want to think about it. So for now, I’m going to be Dory and focus on the task at hand, “just keep swimming” that’s my motto. Swim through today, and the next day, and so on, focusing on what has to be done, waiting until next month…

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